Sonder Effect

"Sonder. You are the main character. The protagonist. The star at the center of your own unfolding story. You're surrounded by your supporting cast: friends and family hanging in your immediate orbit. Scattered a little further out is a network of acquaintances who drift in and out of contact over the years. But there, in the background, faint and out of focus, are the extras. The random passersby. Each living a life as vivid and complex as your own. They carry on invisibly around you, bearing the accumulated weight of their own ambitions, friends, routines, mistakes, worries, triumphs, and inherited craziness. When your life moves on to the next scene, theirs flickers in place, wrapped in a cloud of backstory, inside jokes, and characters strung together with countless other stories that you'll never be able to see. That you'll never know exist. In which you might appear only once. As an extra sipping coffee in the background. As a blur of traffic passing on the highway. As a lighted window at dusk." Sonder: The Realization That Everyone Has A Story

The word "sonder" is not actually real. It's a made-up word to describe the realization that everyone around you has their own story. I don't know about you, but I was blown away when I first heard about this idea. It's easier to experience sonder when there are a lot of people around, and fortunately, we have plenty on campus.

Last semester, my exams ended earlier than most other people’s, and I had nothing else to do. I obviously wanted to detox from academics, and I couldn't hang out with my friends since they were still taking their exams. So I went to the busiest spot on campus and just stood there. In those moments, I was 'unplugged' from the world around me. I could see people hurrying to exams, people going off to have lunch, people just arriving on campus, people leaving campus, people entering the library, and people exiting the library. So many people doing so many different things. The more surprising realization was that I had only observed a small part of their day—a tiny fraction of their lives—and it was already overwhelming.

If you truly want to experience sonder, my suggestion is to go to a crowded place and then 'unplug' yourself from the world for just a bit. Stop worrying about the worldly things and just observe the people around you.

Well, that covers what sonder is and how you experience it. But depending on the type of person you are, you might ask, "Okay, so what do I do with this realization? Why is this important?" Well, the simple and more scientific answer is that as humans, we are naturally curious. Take astrophysics as an example. Does knowing the size of the Milky Way galaxy provide you any benefit in your day-to-day life? Probably not (unless you're studying astrophysics), but it's cool to know nonetheless.

The other, more fitting and slightly longer answer is this: the realization that everyone around you has a life as complex as yours forces you to be more down-to-earth, considerate, and uncomplaining.

I'm going to set up a little fantasy scenario now. Imagine that you can see the stats of everyone around you. Imagine the stats appear as a small rectangle on top of their heads, like in a video game. Since most of the people reading this are either in high school or university, let's say the stats include a "success meter" and a "stress meter." The success meter would account for things such as GPA, the number of internships someone has, and the number of national or international awards they've received. The stress meter would account for things like the number of hours they studied yesterday, their average study hours, the time they went to bed, and the time they woke up.

Having this information is almost equivalent to experiencing sonder. Let's say you see someone who isn't particularly well-dressed—maybe even a little messy. Your first impression of them wouldn't be great, to say the least. But then, you check their success meter, and it's almost full. Now, you see another person in a similar state. This time, their success meter is nearly empty, but their stress meter is very high. I think in both situations, you would reconsider your initial impressions.

Well, there you have it. Now, every time you see someone who isn’t well-dressed, you can assume either of the two situations described above. But it doesn't stop there. You can apply this mindset in a wide range of scenarios. For example, someone bumps into you really hard and keeps moving without apologizing. Normally, you'd be annoyed, but what if they were late for an interview? Or rushing to attend to an emergency? I think realizing that sonder exists, gives you a more positive outlook on other people.

The two paragraphs above explain how sonder can change your perspective on others. But sonder can also make you more resilient. This calls for another fictional scenario: Suppose you have a 9 AM class every day of the week. Every single morning, you feel dreadful waking up for them. You think your life is so hard this semester. But then, sonder kicks in—you realize there are people whose lives are much more difficult than yours. Reconsider the stats concept from before. One day, you meet someone who has to wake up at 5:30 AM every day of the week, including weekends, yet they seem more cheerful than most people. Suddenly, you stop feeling sorry for yourself because you know there's someone out there facing even bigger challenges—and they're still not complaining. I would have talked about more serious situations such as losing a loved one but I feel that's a dangerous territory to step into.

That was a lot of words, I know. If you take anything away from this blog, it should be this: other people's lives are just as complex as yours. This means, first, you should never judge someone too quickly, and second, you should take less pity on yourself (I know that might sound harsh, but life is just harsh sometimes).

I think that pretty much wraps up this blog. I know it was a little long, but that’s because of the feedback I got from my last one. Anyway, don't forget to share your thoughts with me, I'm always happy to hear them!